Thursday, August 30, 2012
I have never been good at letting go. I remind myself of pain and heartbreak I have been through everyday. Really, The anxiety of it all here lately is getting to me. Trust... I just don't do that. I have been let down so many times. The fear that someone is doing me wrong and laughing about it behind my back is constant. My guard is forever up. I honestly don't know how to be any other way then this. That looking like a fool, that victim card, I just don't play it very well. I absolutely detest looking weak and/or stupid.
Monday, August 27, 2012
I have been through more hurt, pain, and loss in my 26 years of life then most people will endure the whole duration of their life. Most of it self inflicted but some times, especially on days like today, I wonder have I learned anything from it? I tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. the definition of "INSANITY- is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So again I wonder am I insane? I am a firm believer in you make your own happiness and if you don't like something change it, because you are the only one who can. Sometimes though its so hard. A few short months ago I used to look back and be proud to be where I was at, because everything I brought myself out of. Now I am just scared I might be heading down some of the same wrong roads. They tend to look a bit familiar anyways. Will I put myself through it again? And if i do will I be strong enough this time to come out of it? Is it even as complicated as I am actually making it? "Life is hard" I know. "It doesn't always turn out the way you expect" I know. "Plans and dreams can get shattered for no fault of your own" I know. I guess in the end it will all come down to have I learned from the past and will I let things/people/life compromise who I am again. Time will only tell.